CRACKS IN THE MALE MASK
American men haven’t had as much opportunity to explore their lives as women have. But now, largely influenced by the feminist movement, men too are finally beginning to ask whether the role society places on them is valid.
When The Feminine Mystique was first published, Friedan’s insights exploded like a bomb in this country, dynamiting women out of their despair and inspiring them toward action. And though the feminist movement is but the beginning of a major humanist revolution that will radically alter America’s power structure and values, it has already started to change our definitions of what it means to be a man or a woman.
As a result, some men are beginning to realize that they have been victims of a distorted definition of masculinity. They are discovering that men pay a high price for their exclusive claim to power and Supremacy, and that they have been deprived of a basic human right—the right to reveal and express their feelings.
This new awareness has led to the publication of books like The Liberated Man and The Male Machine, and to the teaching of courses on the masculine mystique at colleges and universities. It has also led to the formation of a men’s liberation movement, which aims to free men from a dehumanizing sex role.
Members of this movement have been holding consciousness-raising sessions that focus on the ways in which they have felt oppressed in their own lives by society’s demands. And they have strongly criticized the standard male image, which insists they be aggressive and competitive breadwinners, but prohibits their being nurturing and vulnerable human beings. To correct this imbalance they advocate replacing obsolete sex roles with a fuller concept of humanity, a concept that recognizes that both men and women can be cither strong or weak, active or passive, cerebral or emotional; and that these qualities are not the province of one sex only.
To date the men’s liberation movement is still comparatively small and composed primarily of men under thirty. But they do not have an exclusive claim to critical awareness or to feelings of having been cheated. Some men in their middle years are also beginning to feel uncomfortably confined behind their male mask.
Not long ago, for example, a group of ten men in their forties enrolled in a course entitled “Communication Skills and Personal Growth Workshop for Men” at an adult education center in Michigan.” Their experience led to some startling new discoveries about their old ideals of masculinity. Here are two reactions:
•Dave B., forty-six, is a junior high school teacher who has been married seventeen years and has three children. Plagued by the feeling of being “stuck” at work, with nothing to look forward to except retirement, he joined the group because he was “looking for something”:
The sessions were an eye-opener to me. It was quite a revelation because I always suspected I had some of these walls around me—and that’s why I couldn’t relate to people.
My parents were very strict, very moralistic. No emotional feelings. I wasn’t allowed to cry if I got spanked. And I remember when I got drafted, one of my biggest concerns was whether I should give my mother a goodbye kiss or not! Because I never recall kissing her except as a very small boy. There was no close touch—it was all tight, traditional, controlled.
Well, anyway, this feeling of rigidity has been with me all my life and, in fact, it’s been getting worse as I’ve been getting older. I was unable to get out of it. My relationship with other teachers was always kind of aloof, and I found it difficult to be warm and close to the students. My discipline was always, “I’m the dictator. The boss!” That kind of thing. No warmth, and I couldn’t break through.
Now for the first time I can see daylight! I’m not saying I’ve resolved it, but I felt I was worse off than a lot of other people, and this kind of proved to me that I really wasn’t. Some of the guys really went through torture to be able to get out this expression of themselves.
Some cried, some got completely angry and stormed out. But afterwards there was even a physical change. Henry is a good example—he used to have such a tight fist. And; boy, he smiles so easily now and talks in a flowing, relaxed way.
But the thing that amazed me in the group was how everybody has this kind of problem: The wall. It’s not just myself.
•Ray W., forty-one, is a manager in a General Motors printing plant, who has been married eight years and has two children. He joined the group hoping to improve his relations with co-workers:
What really impressed me was how when wc first started everybody in the group seemed so cool and calm and collected. But as it progressed I began to see that most of us had some sort of problem where we couldn’t get any sort of feeling out. It had never dawned on me how important it is to get some of these feelings out.
Everyone was completely different after just one episode of opening themselves up. You remember how Bob was—very stoic and stone-like? His facial expressions never changed. And yet inwardly he was just being torn apart. But of course, we didn’t know that. Later, after he had quite an emotional experience, he would sit in on the sessions and his whole face was just glowing. Just one quick glance, and you knew he was a different person. He had sort of a glow from inside.
There was this release of emotion. I think we all got in touch with some feelings we aren’t afraid to show anymore. I think men have a tendency to hold back a show of exuberance—or a show of sadness. But after the course I don’t think any of us is so afraid to show a happy feeling or a sad feeling, or even an angry feeling. I think you can see it on our faces now, whereas before there was a mask there.
And none of us was aware of how much under control these things arc. There was one incident where T was furious. T was so worked up I thought anybody could see it—but they could barely tell. And the same thing happened with the other fellows. Our controls were so tight that although we thought our feelings were showing, the controls hid them.
Before I would have thought it was an admirable trait—keeping this coolness under pressure. But I’m not so sure it’s admirable anymore. I think it’s a mistake.
These Michigan men are not alone. Other mid-life men are also beginning to perceive, if only dimly, the anguish caused by their own emotional constriction. Some make the discovery in a similar way, by attending a sensitivity or encounter group; by embarking on psychotherapy, analysis, or marital counseling; or by joining a human-potential organization like EST, Arica, or Scientology. In other cases a man is nudged toward a new awareness by a barrage of accusations: when his colleagues insist he is arrogant and remote; when his children denounce him as cold and critical; or when his wife berates—or abandons—him for being incapable of love.
In these and other ways men in their middle years are discovering that the masculine imperative to keep cool has chilling consequences. And they arc beginning to question whether keeping a stiff upper lip is a mark of manhood after all.
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